Negotiations, Ponderances, & Fantasies

Stop this train!
I feel like somebody stuck me on Space Mountain and blindfolded me. I have no clue what's coming next. I have friends who want me to move back to Tampa. This entails a lot of stuff--everything to borrowing money to dealing with people in my past, but only if I so choose. I can't imagine ignoring it/them though. And then there's the future. I don't know if going back to Tampa would be a step forward or a step back.
In Chicago, I've got a guy who is trying to get me to go to grad school. I don't want to go--at least not to this school or for any of their programs.

My mother's health is of grave concern right now.

I still haven't figured out what I want, or about relationships, careers or much of anything else.

My jobs are making me crazy.

The only thinng I can possibly say is that I have gained great insight into why poor people do the things that they do, and that I am totally confused.

Will somebody please stop the roller-coaster?

Current Mood: exhausted/angry

Well, I'm back. Skipped a birthday entry for whatever reason--in fact it's been almost 6 weeks since the last entry. But whatever. My cousin Kristina is now living up here, and though we never get to see each other, it's nice knowing that someone from my family is here. She's in the ensemble of the musical "Wicked". I couldn't be prouder. She's just a little ball of talent. Always has been too.

So anyway, now that I'm 29, I find myself both terrified and relieved at the prospect of the unknown future. I realize that there are things that I want, things which seem entirely ridiculous to want, but that are completely possible. Not likely by any stretch of the imagination, but possible. I suppose part of life is figuring out what's worth chasing after and what needs to be let go of. Perhaps my greatest fear is chasing the wrong things.

When I look back at how I got here, and where I was 5 or ten years ago, I marvel at how I got myself into the position I'm in now. I never saw any of it coming.

optimism at the oddest time.....
"We'll reach a certain point in our lives, look around and realize that all the things we said we'd do and become will never come to be - and that we're ordinary.''

This is a quote from an Anne Bancroft obituary. She was speaking about her most famous character, Mrs.Robinson from the movie, "The Graduate." If you haven't seen the movie, you should--it's absolutely dynamite. But anyway, I've never seen one of my fears so wonderfully articulated. That's it in a nutshell. I KNOW what I want to do with my life. I could sit down and list my goals and then tell you how I plan to go about achieving them. What makes me so crazy now, is that I cannot get it to come to pass. I feel like no matter what I want to do, there is always some sort of immovable obstacle in my way. Struggling against that with such little success is very disheartening. People have phenomenal capacity. More importantly, I have phenomenal capacity. At the risk of sounding grandiose, arrogant, and completely idiotic, I can see the heights to which I can rise. I just need to get to a place where I can start rising.

Seeing the fear articulated so well was a good thing. Before it was hard to put to words because it was so intense. What a sense of relief I feel now. Hope I don't forget the revelation and how comforting it feels....

Current Mood: relieved/optimistic
Current Music: We Are The World

Stuff
Well, Mom and Dad were in last weekend, and we had a blast. It was a really good weekend. They are certainly slowing down, though whether that's due to age, or them just not giving a shit about hurrying up is up for debate. They claim its age, which is more than slightly disconcerting, and they seem totally ok with the symptoms of aging. It's played off as an "it's inevitable, so why fight it?" type of thing. For example, when I suggested that they look into RK surgery to help improve their vision they just laughed and said that when I got to be their age (55) my vision would be just as bad. Great. Color me totally enthused. We got to see John Malkovich in a play called “Lost Land”, camels having sex (a very funny story), and ate at some great restaurants. All in all, a very nice weekend.

My job situation is pissing me off. About 2 and a half months ago, I interviewed for a full-time job as a College Advisor position. After about a month of waiting, I was told that I did not get it, but was offered a part time Advisor job which I promptly accepted. That was a LONG TIME AGO. I still have yet to start the job. Then 2 weeks ago I was informed that I had to interview again (for the job that I had already gotten) with no less than one of the City College Vice-Chancellors. That interview went very well. However, I AM STILL WAITING TO START. I swear, none of these people would ever work for me. Not that I would ever want to be in charge of them, but still. It just seems that they seem to eschew hard work whenever possible. I understand there’s a bureaucracy, but come on!

But enough bitching. I feel like there are big changes of some sort coming for me. I’m not sure where or how, but it just feels like things are going to be different sometime in the not too distant future. Now, having put that down in print, watch—everything will stay the same. Anyway, hopefully, my intuition is right about this. We shall see. That's all for now. Oh and happy birthday to my sister, Kara aka the Neo-Fascist.

Bring it on.
I used to be an easy-going guy. I was fine as long as no one stepped on me. Now I find that I'm changing. I suppose that should come as no surprise--I mean who the hell stays the same? But now I've got a greater bit of confidence in my abilities than I did before. It's nice. Not that I think of myself as anything special--just as having more faith in myself than I did before, and that I'm less afraid to screw up.

But in the process I'm becoming a little less tolerant of things and people, most specifically being the number two guy that people can count on. I want to be number one. That probably sounds bad, but I just want to be "the" guy. I feel like I've got good ideas and I want to implement them. There's nothing wrong with being on a team, but now I feel like want to be the team captain.

Of course, this isn't without its problems, nor am I without my doubts. For starters, I could be on some gigantic ego trip, which, sooner or later, I will come slamming back to earth from. I don't know what could have caused that either. Even if I'm not on the gigantic ego trip, what if I'm wrong about what I expect myself to be able to do? I'm not sure about what's going to happen and I don't know how I'll handle it either. Also, I want to do SO much. How do I get it all done? It's hard to prioritize. And finally, what happens if I fail?

I think if I can do something to make this world better, I should do it. There's so much I don't know though. I'm scared, and I'd be a fool not to be, but not nearly as much as I used to be. Even in the face of everything I've failed at before, I'm sitting there going "Bring it on."

Current Mood: curiously confident
Current Music: American Pie

Not so fast Mr. Oh-so-Culturally Sensitive......
Having been exposed to as many cultures as I have been, and having been raised with a very tolerant set of values, I have always thought of myself as being fairly culturally sensitive to, and non-judgmental of other people's beliefs. Truth is, I got cocky.

The other day I was speaking to a Muslim friend of mine and we were talking about the election of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger to the Papacy. I would not, under any circumstances, classify myself as a religious person, but I do identify as a Catholic (although I'm one of those "cafeteria Catholics" who picks and chooses what they like and don't like about the Church) and I was really annoyed that Ratzinger had been elected. The guy is just way too socially conservative for me, and worse yet, he's a hardliner. Anyway, my friend who was completely ignorant of Catholicism and Christianity in general, was asking why I didn't like Ratzinger, so I started bringing up the social issues, one of which is the prohibition of the ordination of women to the priesthood. My friend, who is female, got this funny look on her face, and said she agreed with that. I was trying to refrain from looking shocked when I asked her why. I failed miserably a few seconds later when she answered that women were "too emotional" and that men wouldn't follow them. She then went on to apply the issue to her own faith, which only reinforced her position. I couldn't get it then, and to be honest, I'm having a hard time with it now. I think she realized that, because she commented that in the culture that she grew up in (Malaysia) and in many other cultures around the world, there are strict ideas of gender that dictate the behavior of men and women. I guess what shocked me is that she still was holding onto them. But then again, why shouldn't she? She was raised in that culture--shouldn't its values be as ingrained in her, as mine are in me??

I felt guilty because I caught myself starting to judge her. Most of the time I hear stuff like that and I'm ok with it because I usually remember to try and look at it from the other person's point of view. My ex-brother-in-law, who is a conservative Christian, gave me lots of practice with this. But apparently there is a set of values that I think most people share. I don't know why or how I allowed myself to fall into such a ridiculous assumption, but I did. Actually, I'm more upset that I did fall into it than anything else. As for my friend, I'm not looking at her disdainfully, but I think it is fair to say that I AM looking at her in a different light. Specifically I wonder about how she looks at me as a man. Am I a source of fear or paternalesque comfort for her? (I wish for neither status) When she told me her opinion on the issue, I wanted to scream "How can you think that way???? You're so damn intelligent!!" Thankfully, I didn't. But I was such an arrogant jerk for assuming that my way of thinking was the only right way. I just don't know why I did it. Honestly, I guess I'm no better than the next guy. Trouble is, I feel like I have to be.

Current Mood: Ashamed

One step up, two steps back.......
I was supposed to get a new job as an academic advisor. I interviewed for it, and it went well. I was told by several sources that I would in all liklihood get the second interview. I found out later that I would NOT get the second interview. There was a list of 3 candidates and I turned out to be # 4. I was, however, offered the same position for 20 hours a week at $19 dollars/hour. I was hoping that I could keep the tutoring position and end up working 40 hours per week. That would have enabled me to get rid of Barnes & Noble and allowed me to have a regular work schedule and one place to work. I could have done classes at night in a variety of different things. Anyway now it's looking like I'll have to quit the tutoring and keep Barnes & Noble which would totally screw any chance to better myself financially and educationally.

I suppose it's a step up, but it's not enough. I am so tired of not being able to break out of this self-destructive cycle. I am tired of baby steps. I feel like I've had it hard for long enough and that I deserve a break. I suppose it could be a lot worse, but I don't see how. My greatest frustration is not being able to use what gifts I have. I could be making this world a better palce, and instead I'm forced to struggle to get by. I shouldn't have to do that--not because I'm better than anyone, but rather because I've had every advantage. I don't want to hear that this is just the way life goes. I should be able to take control of my circumstances a little better than this.

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Youngstown by Bruce Springsteen

Battle of the sexes
Since Larry Summers made his completely stupid and idiotic remark about how women and how they're basically not equipped to do higher-level science, an equally stupid discussion of "who's better, men or women?" has raged in opinion columns in newspapers everywhere. Even one of my three favorite columnists, Maureen Dowd, got into the act last Sunday. An article was released in the science journal, Nature, that says that women are genetically far more complex than men. As witty and as intelligent as she is, the underlying theme of her column was "SCORE! We women are better than you simple men are!!" Talk about a waste of column space. At least, I think so. I don't see how engaging in childish games of "nyah, nyah,we're better than you!" helps matters. Call me crazy, but I've always thought that narrowing the gap in gender relations is a good thing.

Of course, if Ms.Dowd were here, I'm sure she'd be giving me an incredibly barbed response, about how women have been treated due to moronic ideas that claimed scientific backing and how her column was written in a spirit of vindication and justifiable revenge. The thing is, she'd be right.

Another of my favorite columnists, Leonard Pitts, (the third is Molly Ivins) quoted the notable Georgetown linguist, Deborah Tannen as saying that "...arguments over why women don't perform as well as men in certain disciplines proceed from the assumption that the way men do a thing is the only way it can be done, the standard against which women should be measured." Men, she wrote, tend to flourish in competitive, combative environments many women find threatening. ``It's not that they're not fascinated by the science, don't have the talent to come up with new ideas or are not willing to put long hours into the lab, but that they're put off by the competitive, cutthroat culture of science.''

That's a quote from Pitts' article by the way. I've got a number of questions about it, (especially the bit about the alleged 'competitive, cutthroat culture of science') but I think Tannen has a good point. I also think she's not looking at the bigger picture.(to be fair, I haven't read her article) Why is it OK for women to be turned off by competition, and why is it OK for men to have trouble discussing things?? Furthermore, if we say that women and men are inherently better at certain things, doesn't it stand to reason that there are things they WON'T be good at just because of their gender? And we're back at square one.

I think men and women have much more in common than either side is willing to admit. I also think that both sides cling to their way of doing things as the only right way.

It can be honestly said,I think, that women's status in the world is STILL second-class when compared to that of men. I think that's terrible, but I'm not sure we're doing much to change it. Towards the end of his column, Pitts writes "So maybe the key to helping girls flourish is to find ways of playing to their strengths: cooperation, conciliation, bridge-building." Why, why, why should these attributes only belong to females??????? Why shouldn't we raise our boys to be good at them too?? For that matter, what's wrong with raising our girls to be unafraid of competition??? Neither femininity, nor masculinity need be lost in a move toward the center. And perhaps that's what the problem is: We so fear the loss of our own gender identity, and therefore, we perpetuate the gender roles that raise men up and keep women down.

If the condition of women is found to be wanting (and it most assuredly is) and if gender roles play a part in keeping the status quo, (which they do) why aren't we looking at how we raise our children to find an answer to the plight of women?? I said earlier that men and women have much more in common than either side is willing to admit. If that's true, to improve one side you're going to have to improve the other. Both philosophies have merit. Problems only occur when there is a strict adherence to one side and an absolute refutation of the other. Both sides can learn from the other.

Current Mood: thoughtful

Suburban white people
Lately, whenever I talk about politics with friends, I keep hearing the phrase "suburban white people." Actually instead of "people" it's oftentimes "girls", but I want to be all-inclusive here, because I certainly won't be making a gender-based argument. (in a curious side note, it's interesting that the people who have used the term in question have all been female) But I digress.

So what's it mean? Well, I think I can comfortably say that it refers to middle to upper middle-class Americans, most of whom are white, who really have no knowledge of the rest of the world and its affairs. Worse yet, these folks could really give a damn about the rest of the world--they're more wrapped up in getting the kids to soccer practice ontime, or paying the mortgage or getting promoted at work. They become apathetic and because of that, they elect people who have a VERY warped view of the world.

Trouble is, I find the term offensive, if for no other reason than I am none other than a "white suburban person." To hear the term in conversation is fascinating and revolting at the same time. It implies that if a person is white and middle class, then because of that and the advantages afforded them by class, they are unwilling to accept the responsibility that is naturally theirs: to fully understand the plight of the rest of the world and to set about fixing it in a way that benefits everyone. With great privilege comes greater responsibility. It's also an indictment of capitalism.

There's a lot of negative things to be said about capitalism. But for all that, I defy you to come up with a system that allows for as much progress as it does. Critics of it accurately point out that the over-glorification of the individual leads to (and has already in the past) major trouble. I would argue that the other extreme, over-glorification of the group, or the state, has done just as much damage. So what do we do? We regulate capitalism so that it does not run amok.

As I write this I think there are two underlying principles here that are really bothering me: 1) Liberalism seems to have developed a nasty intractable streak, much like the one the Conservative movement has; it seems no different to me than the Religious Right's contention that everyone should be a Christian, because that's the only right way of thinking and 2) People who don't care should, and I don't know why.

Anyway, I'll write more later.

Current Mood: distressed

Glasnost
I'm changing the way I do this thing. From now on, I'm going to be more open and and specific about what I put into my posts. I was looking back at past entries, and some were so vague that I couldn't remember what the hell went on. Also, so few people read this thing that it won't really matter if I mention specifics. And even if they did, so what? There is nothing being risked by being vague, and therefore nothing is gained. Besides, it'll be nice to have a more accurate record of things later on down the line too.

Current Mood: curious
Current Music: Oooh Child by The 5 Stairsteps

Paris Hilton, eat your heart out!
There's this woman I work with and we get along fine. She's funny, witty, and most of the time, a pretty good person. But she has this streak of selfishness that can be really irksome sometimes. She considers her own wants as being far more important than anything or anyone else. For example when closing the store, she is constantly telling everyone what to do and how they should do it fast so that she can get out of there because she's tired and cranky and doesn't want to be there any longer than necessary.

As if the rest of us aren't tired and cranky and don't want to take any extra time?

I 'm not sure if she actually thinks of herself as better than everyone else, or if she figures that if she complains enough, people will do what she wants. Now that I think about it, it's probably both. The trick to dealing with her is to just ignore her. I usually do that, but I can't resist throwing out some smartass remarks, which in retrospect, have made her respect me a bit more I think. In fact, most of the rest of us do pretty much the same, and all is well. So what's bothering me so much?

I guess it boils down to the idea that if people actually did what she told them too, she would be perfectly content with that, if not plain happy. It's like she believes that it's ok for people to serve her. I don't get that. And I don't like it either. At all.

But it's weird. Like I said, she and I get along very well. I'm usually happy to see that I'm closing with her. I just don't understand her attitude or outlook on life I guess. I keep coming back to the conclusion that either she's had a spoiled life, or one filled with lots of hardship. I don't know. My other theory is a lack of self esteem. People like her usually strike me as so sensitive, that their actions are a defense mechanism that they MUST have in place. It's every bit as much about convincing themselves that they have self-worth as it is other people.

But for all my theorizing, I'm left with no real, solid conclusion. I just know that I don't get it, and that I don't like it.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Don't Dream It's Over by Crowded House

The Argument
So, the argument begins again. I’ve seen several really good movies lately, watched a Tony-award-winning play, gotten several good ideas for plays, and reacquired my lust for improv. Now the creative side of me is screaming that I should forget law school and international relations and make my way in the world via the arts. Of course, the practical, logical side of me is sitting there just cracking up in disbelief. I saw Hotel Rwanda, and I was torn. Whose actions are worth more, the person who works to stop injustice, or the artist who raises the public’s awareness of the problem? You can’t tell me that the cast and crew of Hotel Rwanda did not influence public opinion. In point of fact, they did more than anyone else did, even if it was ten years after the fact. “All In The Family” was renowned for groundbreaking comedy that brought previously “unmentionable” social issues to the forefront of the American consciousness. What I wouldn’t give to be a part of a show like that……..I mean, hell, the power of the arts is unbelievable.

And yet, I can’t help but also feel that the Senator who argues for the passage of a non-discrimination bill, or the lawyer who argues for a wrongly accused suspect, or the peace activist who organizes a peaceful demonstration does anything less for society. Where would we be now without the likes of Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jack and Bobby Kennedy, Lincoln, Mother Theresa, and others like them? Their actions changed the world. That’s not to say that artists don’t do that as well, but I can’t decide who does more for their fellow humans.

The obvious answer is that both benefit the world immensely, and that either course would be an honorable undertaking. I know that I can’t do both. Again, though, I find myself coming back to the same question: Which bridge to cross, and which bridge to burn?

Current Mood: confused

There's something big going on.....
The older I get, the harder it is to make sense of things. I don’t know what’s what anymore. There’s this song called “75 Septembers” that’s sung by Peter, Paul, & Mary. It’s about the passage of time, and it’s got this line that goes: “Are you more amazed at how things change, or how they stay the same?” I’m never sure how I’d answer that question. Miracles happen, tragedies occur, and most of us just sit there not knowing what’s coming next, even though it’s all happened before. How do two people fall in love after so many failures? What makes them finally get it right? How do they keep the faith so long in the face of so much failure and pain?

They tell me that things happen for a reason. Does that mean every single solitary thing that happens has a reason? I’m not sure I agree with that. There is randomness in the world. How come we can see the big patterns in the human experience all the time but not the little ones in our own lives? I know they’re there—I just can’t seem to wrap my head around anything more than just their existence.

Things aren’t so good for me right now. I don’t want to get into why, because it’s not important at the moment. Just for a second, I want to stop and look. Because regardless of what’s going on right now, be it good or bad, there’s a terrible wonder to it all. I don’t know who gets a second chance, or why certain people have to suffer. Nothing makes sense, and right now, I just want to acknowledge that I realize that I’m part of something much bigger than I can possibly fathom and that the realm of possibility is so wide, that it invites both terror and comfort into my soul.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Heaven (acoustic version of B.Adams song by Yanou)

It's never like it is in the movies......
.....but then again, that's nothing new.

We all have dreams and expectations that get rearranged or crushed. That's life--without pain, there is no change, and therefore, no growth. Oftentimes, it's not the "what" that's important, but the "how" or the "why" that makes it relevant.

Call it bildungsroman, coming-of-age, whatever, but it's all just a bunch of crap.

Tell you what: Let's see a story without a resolution, a journey where no destination is reached, and the same path is trod over and over. Let there be a commonality among people in the futility of their actions, the frustration that sets in through learning nothing, and the courage, nay, stubbornness that makes them repeat the same actions over and over again in a childish, resentful stand against fate, and finally, let the howls of anguish rise in one great chorus with the realization that fate is nothing more than myth.

Or maybe it's not like that at all.

Growth isn't a choice, and for most of us, life contains some variety. I think that's why humans created the arts. Art is a celebration of life in "all its terrible wonder" to quote Rent. I don't know what to feel lately, but then, perhaps feelings choose us.
I think that if the world and circumstances we create can create such misery, then doubtless, we can swing into the other side of the spectrum and experience joy. And perhaps that's the secret of life: to find the balance and to have the courage to make a change and to wait out the hells we put ourselves into.

Or maybe this is just me trying to figure this shit out. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong--probably a little bit of both. Then again, maybe not. The only certainty in this life is uncertainty. Whether that's cause for concern or comfort is anyone's guess. At the very least, it'll always be one wild ride.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Tiny Dancer by Elton John

Random things
In light of the fact that this is Martin Luther King Day, I want to say that I found a website that has recordings of great speeches and I listened to the "I Have a Dream" speech in its entirety. I'd only heard the famous bits and pieces of it before. But hearing the whole thing was really moving. Dr. King starts off slow, but I had goosebumps by the end of the speech. He flat out blew me away. A little later, I came upon a site that AOL and the Discovery Channel are sponsoring where you nominate who you think are/were the five greatest Americans. I came up with King for the way he profoundly changed America with peaceful activism, James Madison for his authorship of the Constitution, Eleanor Roosevelt for her activism and leadership, Thomas Jefferson, who despite his contradictions, left an indelible mark on our government and our consciousness, and Abraham Lincoln for his foresight in seeing the consequences of not keeping the Union together. I feel a little guilty not having any artists or sports figures in there, but, hey, there were only five slots. Jackie Robinson and Ben Franklin almost made the list, as did Mark Twain and Teddy Roosevelt.

I'm not feeling so depressed lately. Or, rather, I've calmed down a bit since my last entry. I'm not sure about the benefits of venting though. I supppose that in the long run, it's better to get things out instead of keeping them in. But sometimes after I do that, I still feel terrible for a while. When does venting become wallowing in self-pity and bad feelings? The line between the two, it seems to me, is very much blurred.

I've been reading a lot of history lately, most notably about Jack and Bobby Kennedy. In doing so, I've come to realize the incredible complexity of "great men and women." For some reason, perhaps owing to our paradoxical sense of puritanism, we seem to want these people to be devoid of faults and shortcomings. We want them to be, in effect, knights in shining armor devoid of sin and evil. What we forget is that it is the combination of out strengths and weaknesses that makes a person great. More often than not, the greater the accomplishments of a given person, the greater their faults will be.

Current Mood: peaceful

So much pressure
I'm letting the LSAT and GRE get to me. I'm just plain terrified of taking them. I never performed well on the SAT, and I'm scared that I won't be able to do well on either test.

The scary thing is that I feel like so much is riding on them both, and I'm pretty sure that I'm right to look at them that way. See, while I was in college, I didn't know what I wanted, and because of that, and a couple of other reasons, I took a really lacksadaisical attitude towards things. I got out of college with a 2.8-2.9ish GPA--really lackluster and average. I guess what really gets me now is that I wasn't putting out a lot of effort.

I've always hated my underachievement. It makes me feel like a loser. I have this desire to be the best, but I never seem to get there. I know what I am capable of intellectually--hell, I've seen it put down in IQ tests many time. Sometimes I wish I had never seen those scores. Now, I want to go to law school and graduate school at top-tier schools. It's not just a sense of wanting to be the best that's driving me, it's knowing that the better the school I'm able to go to, the better my chances of getting a better job when I come out are.

So, with my GPA so poor, and my work experience so mundane, my only hope is scoring really high on the LSAT and the GRE, which I'm scared to death about. I know this is a really crappy way of thinking. I know thinking like this has the potential to make me really sick. But I just can't seem to stop doing it.

I feel like I have nothing to show for the life I have lived. Perhaps that's a ridiculous assertion brought on by our materialistic society, but it's there. I want to feel like I've done something or that I will be doing something worthwhile with my life. For some reason, I've allowed my self esteem to be to tied to my achievements or lack thereof. That just doesn't seem right. But that's the way it is.

Current Mood: worried

New Year's Resolutions
I resolve not to buy into the ridiculous idea that we are all completely in control of and responsible for our lives/destinies. This idea presupposes a degree of superhumanness which simply does not exist. Even the strongest people, whether they admit it or not, are influenced by the world, oftentimes to their own detriment. The powers of the human mind and spirit are considerable, but so too are our weaknesses; however, that's what makes us so wonderful. Can you imagine a world full of omnipotent people? There would be no conflict, and therefore no progress, growth, or change. We would stagnate and die as if we had not lived.

I resolve to remember that one of the greatest sources of human strength is the realization and acceptance of our fragility.

I resolve to find again the better parts of myself that have slipped into hiding, and therefore better myself without trying to make ridiculous and unrealistic changes that will only frustrate me in the end.

I resolve to ask for more help.

I resolve to try and better answer the recurring questions about life and love that I have, no matter how painful or frightening it might be.

The greatest thing I learned in college was how much I did NOT know, and that realization allowed me to begin to truly educate myself.Therefore I resolve to remember that a lack of knowledge should not be viewed as a weakness, but rather as an opportunity.

I resolve to remember that I all that I have been through in my life has prepared me for what is yet to come, and that when all is said and done I will still be standing.....even if it's on two artificial legs.

I resolve to take more risks.

I resolve to laugh more.

I resolve NOT to give up.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Crazy Love by Ray Charles and Van Morrison

The goals and obstacles laid out......
So I've decided on a career path: law and government. It feels like the only right choice; I feel as though I should do something to better the world, and that it must exceed the effect I might have if I were to be a father. I would like to be a father someday, but I am doubtful about the liklihood of that happening. But, I digress. My next steps seem to have little difference in that both paths available to me will be rooted in law, but as for the government end of things I'm quite confused. I can't decide whether I want to go the foreign or domestic policy route.

The foreign policy route is so stimulating, and I have a particular yen for it, in part because I am so sick of Democrats being accused of being weak on foreign policy. Besides, I would relish the opportunity to represent my country to other nations. I flatter myself that I would be good at it. The education route is simple. I would have to obtain not only a law degree (concentrating in international law) but also a Master's in International Relations, Foreign Service, or the like. To do this, I would also have to achieve fluency in a foreign language, a difficult, but by no means, insurmountable task.

It bears mentioning that I would like to run for political office someday, an ambition which I hope does not cast me in an unfavorable light. I am tired of being one of this country's many complainers. I would much rather be attempting to find solutions.

The domestic policy route is no less intriguing. Again, I would use law as the common root, sans perhaps, the concentration in international law. I suppose I would go and just get a general JD and then an accompanying Master's in Government, Legislative Affairs, or Poli Sci or something along those lines.

The career lines that accompany each are pretty standard, so I'm not so much worried about my career prospects after graduation. What scares me is getting there. I'm not sure I will be able to do it. I need to take the GRE and the LSAT, and how I do on them will determine if I'll be able to follow through on these plans. My last experience with standardized tests was pretty bad due to a learning disability in math that I fear will plague me yet again, especially on the GRE. Without stellar performances on both tests, I can pretty much kiss these ambitions goodbye, since my college GPA was so average (2.9-3.0) and my work experience is not even remotely related to either government or law.

Well, one step at a time, right? I should first worry about taking classes for the GRE, LSAT, foreign language, and economics. Except here I find another obstacle. My employment situation right now is such that I can neither afford to take preparatory classes of any sort, nor do I have the time available to take any such class. My employment situation MUST change. Since I've been in Chicago, I've been unable to make that happen.

I guess what it comes down to is that I feel stuck. I feel so much pressure about everything too. I know I should take it one step at a time, but that is hard to do. I cannot help but see the bigger picture and be aware of the consequences that each of my actions will bring. All depends on the job. Without more economic stability and freedom, nothing happens. And no matter how much I try to ignore or deny it, there remains the fact that this path, should I somehow manage to get on it, basically demands a rather permanent bachelorhood of me--a prospect which I find most unsettling. I mean, I'm used to it by now, but I've never liked it. I hate saying that part of my happiness, or more accurately, lack thereof is due to the presence or non-presence of a romantic involvement with a woman, but I am forced to acknowledge that it is. I would like to think that I'd finally grown beyond that, but apparently not. John Donne once wrote that "No man is an island.." I have a strong, growing suspicion that he was right. But perhaps that part of my story is not yet fully told.

So, now it's the bottom of the ninth in Game 7 of the World Series. I'm losing 4-1, the bases are loaded, and the next man up behind me is the pitcher. Time for a grand slam.

Current Mood: slightly anxious and scared
Current Music: Movie themes CD

Did you ever second-guess your life's choices long after they're over and done with? I've been doing a lot of that lately. I don't know why, except to say that I'm not really all that satisfied with my life. Everyone keeps telling that I'm being really hard on myself, but I'm not sure I buy into that. Doing the same things that everyone else does, like have one full-time job that pays all the bills, and being in a relationship, and having some direction seem to be fairly common traits in the people I know. As I've been all my life, I'm the oddball, the exception. Four or five years ago, these sorts of expectations would have been nuts. Now, they're not. I just feel like I need to make drastic changes.

It's not to say that I'm second-guessing every single one of my choices--some of them have been good. And some choices I couldn't have done anything else other than what I did do--I lacked the wherewithal to make an informed decision. That is both frustrating and relieving. I was thinking the other night that I wouldn't want an "It's A Wonderful Life" experience. I feel like I've made a difference in other people's lives. I hope that doesn't sound arrogant--I guess it's just that I've been lucky enough to have people tell me that I've made a difference.

To Be Continued

I've been watching a friend's life implode in a fit of depression anxiety, and self-doubt. It's horrible. And it scares me. It looks so similar to what happened to me. Twice. Watching it happen to someone I cared about was heart-wrenching, nerve-racking, and sad. I believe this person will come out of it ok. The whole thing has made me think of what it was like though. I've gotten to a place in my life where I can be depressed, but still not let it take over my life. It's hard. Sometimes, it's like trying to hold back a killer pit bull by the collar, lest it rip out my own throat. A bit graphic no? Sorry. But that's accurate. I just have this image of me holding onto a pitbull that is thrashing about trying to break free so that it can attack me. That's from a dream. Eat your heart out Stephen King.

I've been thinking a lot about a certain woman lately. She's from my past, and if I were smart, I would have put her out of my head long ago. She never felt for me as I did for her, and she's moved on. But yet, she is there in my thoughts. A few weeks ago, I was relaying to another friend just how much of an ass I had been with this woman. My friend responded, very kindly I might add, that she was sure that I was exxagerating. I then told here one, just one, episode of my idiocy, and I think she understood. Her expression proclaimed as much and I suspect that her opinion of me deteriorated a bit. And that made me feel guilty. I was such an ass. I couldn't have done any better, given my circumstances, but still. It's a wonder she still talks to me. I want to apologize so badly, but I'm afraid that it would bring just another dismissal from her--one that dismisses the topic, and says that she's fine with it, but where I know that she's just as uncomfortable with it as I am. I want to call, but I know I'll get the sense that she is talking with me because she is being nice, and that she really wishes that I would just forget about her and never, ever call again.

This has been on my mind alot lately, so much so that I started writing a script (perhaps the term "scene" is more accurate) about it. How's that for healthy? Well, to be fair, I changed the storyline a lot (in my head--I haven't written the whole thing down yet--not sure if I ever will) so that it wasn't a total re-enactment of my life. I think if I ever get it the way I want it, the scenes etween the characters that are based on us will be composed of the things that I've always wanted to say to her, and what I imagine she would say back. I have a feeling that it won't be accurate, as I might substitute, what I think she'd say for what I would want her to say. Who knows? Maybe it'll work. But then, I'm not sure that I can even get it to a point where it gets written and produced.

I used to have this view of love that was so on the money. That, for whatever reason, has changed. What HAS changed, is that now I realize how much I didn't understand what I believed. I was so naive. Love is the most awesome, powerful, terrible force in this world. I thought I knew that years ago, but I was just so full of shit. I've seen so many people do so much for a chance at love and risk so many different things and lose so many different times. I've done it. And I gotta figure that we were right to risk as much as we did. It's just a damn shame it hasn't yet worked out.

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: We've Got Tonight

Advertisement